#i think marvel owes us a grieving scene

[haveihitanerve]

All I Wanted Was You

We were playing in the sand

And you found a little band

You told me you fell in love with it

Hadn't gone as I'd planned

Thor hummed along to the song, brushing his fingers through his hair. “Stark! What is this song? I quite like it!” Tony laughed, sticking his head into the room. “Its called Hidden In The Sand. Its one of my favorite songs too. So nice and peaceful.” “Guys are we gonna play or not?!” Steve called from the other room. Tony rolled his eyes affectionately, grabbing the tray he had just finished preparing with drinks and a few snacks. “Coming Rogers, relax.” Thor chuckled, following the man into the den. Steve sent them a sour look, setting up the game pieces. “What year is the song from anyway?” He asked, instead of commenting what he clearly wanted to say. Tony cocked his head, setting the tray down on the other side of the table, or at least attempting to, as the table was fairly small, “a suitable size!”, Steve complained, and Thor had to agree, at least compared to the cramped, but cozy little living space. “Its early 2000’s i think.” Tony grinned, sitting down next to the super soldier and handing him a glass. “Sounds like your music huh?” Steve nodded, handing the glass to Thor before accepting the next one. Thor slipped out his asgardian whiskey and poured them all a few fingers full, before sticking it back in his pocket. He nodded to the game in front of them. “Shall we?” He asked, and Tony grinned at him, leaning forward eagerly. “Oh yeah bud. Bring it.” Steve chuckled, rolling the dice between his fingers. “Look at him Thor, so eager. As if he thinks hes going to win.” He clucked disapprovingly with his tongue and Tony gasped dramatically, lunging for the die. Steve laughed, wrestling him away as he reached for Thor. “Save me!” He wheezed as Tony grabbed at his hands. Thor laughed, snatching the dice from his hands instead. “You are both wrong,” he announced. “I will win.” Steve and Tony made eye contact and grinned, sitting up straight. “Yeah? Game on.” 

When you had to bid adieu (ooh, ooh, ooh)

Said you'd never love anew (ooh, ooh, ooh)

I wondered if I could hold it

And fall in love with it too

Thor hummed along to the song, tugging the worn board game from the closet. He brushed the dust off, easily maneuvering around the large brooklyn apartment to set it on the table. He sang softly under his breath as he opened the board game, setting the well loved pieces each in their respective spots, running a hand along the rather tight fitting t-shirt he was wearing, pulling up his sweatpants. “You told me to,” He murmured, pulling out three glasses and pouring a bit of Tony’s expensive whiskey into each one. “Buy a pony.” he breathed deeply, sitting down in his seat. “But all I wanted,” He lifted the die. “Game on.” He whispered, a singular tear streaking down his cheek as he smiled at the empty, silent, apartment. 

Was you. 

[cblgblog]

So my issues with Irondad are well documented at this point, starting from their very first scenes. Specifically the utter tone deafness of Peter’s recruitment, by both Tony and the writers. Tony starts the movie being blamed for the death of a 20-year-old kid who was in the wrong place, wrong time in Sokovia. That accidental death that can be put down to negligence on his part, is pivotal to what happens next. So pivotal he uses it in his pitch for why the other Avengers need to sign the Accords.

Tony, midway through the movie, deliberately brings a 15-year-old child into this conflict. A child he blackmails into going with him, because if you don’t, I will tell your aunt.

Charles Spencer was an innocent civilian, wrong place, wrong time in Sokovia. He died. That tears Tony up, as it rightfully should. And yet, in the midst of his crusade about following laws and accountability, he lies to May Parker about taking her 15-year-old nephew out of the country and into a warzone. Ignoring some well-established laws about child soldiers.

Tony blackmailing a child who’s had his powers for 6 months into participating in this conflict makes no sense. Ever. It especially makes no sense in the context of Charles Spencer and his mother. Yet neither Tony nor the writers seem to comprehend this. Which is why Irondad has been bullshit from the start. Blackmail and kidnapping are not sweet, father-son moments, even if you ignore the fact, as the MCU wants to, that Peter had a father already, in Ben Parker. He has a loving adult parental figure in May Parker. Both of whom cared about him before he had spider powers that might be helpful to them.

All of this, I’ve said before, so have others. And then I realized that I actually hate Irondad more than I thought. That Feige and co. mishandled it even more than I thought, and why? Because of this.

We know the story. Peter was, supposedly, this kid Tony saved at the Stark Expo in Iron Man 2. Started out as a fan theory, and then was confirmed that yes, this is true, this is exactly what we intended.

Now, we know Civil War had different writers/directors than Homecoming or FFH did. We also know that, for all the lip service of, ‘It’s all connected,’ we know that the creatives in these different franchises do not always talk to each other, and that they often blatantly contradict each other.

Taking all that into account, acknowledging that…the dumbasses at Marvel did not think up the idea of Peter being the Iron Man 2 kid. They heard the theory, thought it was cool, then took credit for having meant that the entire time, yes, that was totally us.

We know this because it is never mentioned in canon. All those Tony and Peter interactions, all those times of yes, Mr. Stark, I just want to be like you, Mr. Stark, and Peter never mentions that? When Tony takes he suit from him in Homecoming and Peter says that he just wants another chance, wants to be like Tony, would he not mention that hey, you saved my life, Mr. Stark. You saved my life and I just wanted to be like you, and now I can be, now I can save lives like you, just please give me another chance.

If the Iron Man 2 theory were true, would he not say that? In FFH, when he’s all guilt-ridden, I didn’t save him, would he not mention that hey, he saved my life before I was Spider-man, before I was special, before I was anyone?

Now I know what you’re thinking. The Iron Man 2 thing isn’t that big a deal. It’s not a crucial thing. And you know what, you’re right. It isn’t, it’s just always annoyed me, in an eyeroll way, that the same people who couldn’t count properly between 2012 and 2017 (8 years later flashing in giant letters across our screens means that Homecoming was meant to take place in 2020), that these same people who let something so blatantly timeline breaking get through then took credit for a kind of cool, kind of clever fan theory. It’s annoying.

I’ve now realized, however, that it is far more than annoying to me. Because TPTB at Marvel did not think of that idea for themselves, but if they had, and if they’d run with that idea? If they had, it would’ve made Peter’s recruitment in Civil War so much more fucked up than it already is, but so much more interesting. So, so, so much more interesting.

I’ve talked about why Spidey’s own movies (as much as you can call them that given the level of Tony infiltration) prove that the theory isn’t true. Now let’s go to Civil War. Different writers, yes, but let’s talk anyway about why we can tell from CW that Peter was not that kid.

He gets home. May is like, look who it is, Tony Stark. Not, look who it is, the hero who literally saved your life. When Tony locks himself in Peter’s room with him (still fucking gross, Jesus Christ), Peter is just, nope, I got no idea what you’re talking about. That’s—no, I’m not a superhero, no. He’s defensive. He’s apprehensive. He’s trying to figure out what fresh hell this is. He’s trying to hide stuff from Tony. If this is the guy who saved him at the Stark Expo, why this reaction? Why not, oh my god, you saved my life, I thought I’d never see you again, not, not up close I mean. When Tony asks him to do a thing, why is it not, well yeah, duh , you saved my life, where do we start? Or even, okay, I don’t really wanna do this, but, you saved my life, I owe you?

So, nobody wrote a fucking word of any of Peter and Tony’s interactions under the theory that he was the Stark Expo kid.

But what if they had?

Tony shows up at May’s place. He does not know who Peter is, in relation to their “meeting” before. He’s expecting to have to do some level of smooth talk to get in here but, nope. May’s just, oh my god, you saved my boy’s life, come in, come in!

We don’t know for sure that Peter was orphaned by the time of the Expo, but if we base it on comics and prior films, he likely was. Most versions seem to have him fall under Ben and May’s care between 2 and 6.  O1’ birthday means he would’ve been around 9 at the Expo. So, more than likely, Ben or May or both were the ones there with him. They may credit Tony with saving their lives as well.

So, Tony starts the movie being called out by a grieving mother. Going down this route, we’re at the midpoint…and here’s a different mother telling him how great he is. How he saved the most important thing in her life. How if Ben were here (May’s wearing her wedding ring around her neck btw, you can see it in the scene), Ben would say the same thing. Shake his hand. Hug him.

Now, Tony’s got a sharp ass mind, when it’s not clouded with booze or drugs or the like. Since he wasn’t wasted at the Expo, there’s a good chance that, given some details, he remembers saving this kid. He remembers how small this little boy actually was. He remembers how light this kid was when he grabbed him. It was a few seconds in a long ass night, that he hasn’t thought about in years, but to May Parker, it’s everything.

So maybe at this point Tony’s rethinking this. He’s remembering that little boy, realizing how young he still is. He pulled that boy from danger. And now here’s this woman who invited him into her house, told him how her husband just passed recently, things have been hard, especially for Peter but God, he’ll love to see you. Maybe Tony’s rethinking this, coming up with a way out, when Peter shows up. And then, aw hell. The kid’s just a mess of excitement and shock, possibly tears…okay now it’s just gotten harder to make an exit.

Let’s pause here to say that May Parker is not fucking dumb (“Cut the bullshit. I know you left detention. I know you left the hotel room in Washington. I know you sneak out of this house every night.”).

May is not dumb. Letting the 50-year-old dude go into her nephew’s room with him, alone? Arguably dumb, even if it is Iron Man. Letting him grab the kid for some Stark…thing, and take him wherever Tony said he was taking him on 12 seconds notice? Even more arguably dumb.  CW as it’s written dumbs down May’s character for the sake of an already questionable plot point. Especially since she literally says she’s not a fan of Tony in Homecoming. Yes, her comment there comes after the “internship,” her noting Peter’s distraction and stress because of it. But still, it’s fucking weird that she’d let this man take her kid out of the country, alone, in CW. It makes her dumb for the sake of plot.

But if Stark saved Peter’s life not so long ago? It at least makes a bit more sense. He’s a hero. Peter literally wouldn’t be here without him. Why would Tony hurt him now?

So, back to the scene. Peter’s probably less paranoid about showing his stuff to Tony. Probably not spilling everything himself, but when Tony notices things, Peter’s probably less panicked over it, more willing to confirm. Yes, he’s got these powers, okay? And he hasn’t had them for long, but he’s trying to do good, like Tony. He’s trying to do the right thing, like Tony.

Now, this kid has such literal hero worship going, and he’s so damn inexperienced, he admits that. And Tony’s still got Charles Spencer’s mom in his head. He’s dead, Stark. And I blame you.

Can Tony really take this kid—actual minor kid younger than Charles was—take him and put him on the field against the goddamn Avengers? That woman out there with the dead husband and the ring around her neck, what’s he going to say if Peter gets hurt, or worse? Sure the kid obviously has skills but, can he risk another grieving mom?

So, maybe Tony’s rethinking this. Maybe he can still get out of this, improvise a Plan B. But then there’s a text from Nat or Ross. Where are you? We’ve only got a few hours, what’s the play?

Special circumstances, nobody in that group is really gonna fight to kill…it’s special circumstances, and he can keep the kid mostly sidelined.

This time, he doesn’t have to blackmail Peter. He doesn’t have to threaten to expose his secret. Peter’s willing, either because he genuinely wants to, or he feels he owes Tony a debt. So there goes the dick factor of Tony literally blackmailing a child. And the lack of questions Peter seems to ask about what he’s fighting for, the acceptance of vague answers, that’d also make more sense in this context.

In this version, Tony is both more and less of a dick. He’s doing less active threatening and manipulation…but he’s also being doubly manipulative. His genuinely good deed gives him an easy in with the Parkers. He’s playing on the credibility of an earlier, at least somewhat better version of himself. One who saved Peter Parker and hadn’t yet ended Charles Spencer.

Look, I won’t lie, I legit don’t know what I’m saying anymore, except that Marvel sucks for taking credit for a thing that they definitely do not have credit for. Which isn’t particularly new for them, and wouldn’t particularly matter if the thing they took credit for (and didn’t do anything with) could’ve offered some interesting story possibilities.

[an-honest-fangirl]

Got Red in My Ledger

So, I saw Endgame last night. And while there are definitely some things that annoy me and anger me, Natasha’s “endgame” wasn’t one of them. It makes sense to me as a culmination of her arc that started back in the first Avengers. And honestly, it’s kinda beautiful. 

Or: I write a 1200 word meta that goes through all of Natasha’s movies because I have Thoughts right now and need to get them out of my head. Tagged for spoilers, but also putting it all under a cut because again, long, but also so nothing slips through.

The one line that I always see when the Marvel credits play is “I got red in my ledger.” Honestly, it’s one of my favorite lines in the franchise and is definitely my favorite part of the first Avengers movie. I never saw Iron Man 2, so Avengers was my first introduction to Natasha as a character. And in that movie, we’re presented with a very capable spy who smiles and demures and uses the perception that others have of her to her advantage. 

But that all breaks the second that Coulson says that Clint is in trouble. Natasha absolutely freezes in what could only be described as a moment of panic and fear before she seals that all away again and focuses on getting the job done. There is a chink in Natasha’s armor; a small one, yes, but it’s there. There’s red in Natasha’s ledger. Not just red blood, like Loki says, but in terms of owing Clint. She owes him her life, in more ways than one, and she still needs to balance that scale.  It’s not all about repaying Clint, though. Once Clint is back on the side of good, Natasha is still ready to fight and throw herself into the thick of things. Which, according to Clint, is very out of character. As he says, she’s a spy. Not a solider. But Natasha senses and knows that whatever is happening with Loki and the Avengers is Bigger. Bigger than her and what she usually stands for and operates by, and she can’t just stand on the sides and watch it happen when she can fight for it.  Moving on to Winter Solider. Natasha is still largely the same closed off persona that we saw in Avengers. Again, she’s very competent and deflects most attempts to get closer to her. However, the chinks in her armor are growing. It’s not just Clint anymore. It’s Fury. It’s Steve. She’s caring for more people and gaining their trust and learning to trust them in return.  She’s the one who releases the Shield files online. And as Pierce warns her, there’s a lot of bad things about her in those files. But Natasha releases them anyway, without any indication of hesitation or regret. She’s exposing secrets to the world instead of hiding them, and that includes the red in her ledger. Openly admitting and acknowledging past mistakes is often the first step towards being able to move on and atone for them, and that’s what she does here.  Age of Ultron is... what it is. But we do get to see more of what’s motivating and driving Natasha. Due to her past and her upbringing and her violent life, she sees herself as a monster. Someone inherently evil, who should be feared and reviled and is useful in certain situations, but could never be a hero like the rest of the team. Even as she tries to open up more, to the rest of the team as a whole but also specifically to Bruce in a romantic sense, there’s this lingering fear and doubt in the back of her mind as to whether or not she really belongs there.  Wanda’s visions remind Natasha of who she was, not who she is in the moment or was in the process of becoming. Because Natasha is already a self-sacrificing hero. I also see people saying that her forcing Bruce to hulk out is her embracing the more monstrous sides of herself, but I really don’t think that’s right. The monstrous thing would have been to run away with Bruce, to selfishly put her own happiness in front of the greater good at a time when her team desperately needed her to stay and help them. There’s a sense of pragmatism here still, yes, but it’s still a fundamentally heroic action.  She’s more pragmatic in Civil War. Her main argument for supporting the Accords is that doing so will make it easier to mitigate and shape into something that everyone can work with. Bow your head and go along with it for now, and fix things once the calls for blood have died down. It’s very pragmatic, and honestly probably the most intelligent position someone takes in that movie.  I also imagine that there’s more than a little relief at the idea of having someone else watch and check over her actions. She trusted Shield to be the Good Guys and do the right thing, and they ended up being Hydra. The Accords would give oversight, help ensure that what happened to Shield (a fundamentally good organization and idea that was eventually corrupted and turned evil from the inside out) won’t happen to the Avengers.   But when the time calls for it, Natasha still does the right thing. She follows her conscience and trusts in Steve and lets him go. Despite the Accords. Despite the pragmatism that had largely defined her all movie. She does what she feels is right, again with no real thought as to the consequences to herself.  Infinity War didn’t really have any meaningful scenes or development with her so I’ll skip straight to Endgame. Natasha stays. She stays an Avenger, monitoring not only Earth, but also other parts of the galaxy. She stays because there’s no one else to do it, because she knew that the Avengers were helping her grow and improve and change for the better as a person and she was terrified of losing that.  

She’s openly emotional and grieving in front of people. Not just Steve and Clint who it’s already been established that she was close to, but also to Rhodey, someone who she hasn't really had a lot of screen time with. She no longer deflects any and all attempts to break through her outer armor. It arguably isn’t even there anymore.  She’s the one who is able to reach out to Clint when he’s at his lowest point, offering him the same help and understanding and trust that he offered her when he first recruited her to Shield. It’s a role reversal, and one that perfectly encapsulates just how much Natasha has grown since that moment. 

As soon as I saw both of them going to Vormir, I knew that we were going to lose one of them. I knew, in my gut, that we were going to lose Natasha. And not just because Clint had a dusted family that he was fighting for whereas Natasha “technically” had no one. (As if the entire Avengers wasn’t her family and her home and her heart.) “I got red in my ledger” also repeated in my head in a loop.  Natasha had already committed selfless acts, but this would be the final one. The Big One. One that she was at peace with and accepted and chose willingly without any hesitation. This sacrifice would give Clint his family back, finally repay him for the gift that he had given her so many years before. That debt would be wiped clean. Except that it wasn’t just about repaying a debt. It was an act of love. Pure, clean, simple, willing love.  

Natasha didn’t die a spy or a killer or a tool for some evil organization. 

Natasha died a friend, a family member, an Avenger. 

A hero. 

[girlreportsmoved]

MY JUSTICE LEAGUE REVIEW.

okay, so as many of you know, i did get to see justice league the day it came out last weekend ! a bunch of people have been asking me to post my review, i’ve been incredibly busy which is why this did not post sooner. a bunch of spoilers below, you have been warned. 

so OVERALL, i really did like it....sort of.  i actually liked the length, it was much easier to process & observe then say, the avengers, but we got so m u c h cut, not even just from lois but like.....barry saving iris, vicTOR STONE, i m e a n ...... srsly. like they could have done it ! better ! within the runtime ! if they had just cut out whedons bullshit quips & barry falling into diana boobs! but anyways, more on that later. the score was so so good, esp the opening song i c ried but honestly danny elfman wasnt the best. i wouldve preferred junkiexl, bc at least he wouldve paid homage 2 zimmers score (im v bitter.)

i LOVED the opening montage. snyder all the way i mean, i s t an one(1) caucasian man. also lmao im referring to the gotham city scene, NOT the superman video clip bc a. cgi & b. like what purpose does it even serve if the camera doesnt immediately��pan 2 lois after he answers that question lmao. but the batman cinematography over gotham was on p o int. honestly the way they designated each portion of the introduction to a specific superhero - like the coloring, the backstory, everything - i really liked the seperate sections each for aquaman, the flash, cyborg, etc. idk wonderbat was un nessacary in the dceu but i dislike b/en affle/ck so lmao. steve joke was NOT cool tho. 

okay but i LOVE ezra millers’ barry allen. i would die for him im not even JOKING he was so GOOD and stole the show honestly. God bless they couldnt have picked a better actor tbh. i really wished we could have gotten more of cyborg’s insight/backstory but my man ray fisher fucking shined. aquaman strutting down the docks to icky thump while downing a bottle of whiskey is my aesthetic....thats Hawt. again, more backstory (mera was in for like 2 minutes i mean what the fuck)

 but yeah. i wont talk much about batfleck bc a. no character development he was just there lmao and b. i dont like him ( i love comics bruce wayne ok just not gross ass sexual harasser b*n affl*ck playing him).  i love alfred tho. obviously nothing can been the nolanverse alfred but this ones pretty damn good, they both do a good job of knowing lois is both the key AND the big guns, hats off 2 u BOTH. bruce felt so guilty tho i mean whyy bro some of it i think was just so diana could comfort him which was....uh ok. i like the gadgets !! also him adopting barry allen. i miss the batfamily!! also ‘whats ur superpower’ ‘im rich’ well goddamN. wonder woman was underused. i mean she can obviously hold her own in a fight against supes longer then that, if not beating him like r u KIDDING me. but ya my girl kicked ass

moving on, steppenwolf couldve used more backstory/screentime. i didnt...rlly...get...his motives aside from him being chaos personified or whatever. not the best villian but he couldve been tbh with the story he had. my AMAZONS slayed. the motherbox thing was explained so quickly, the connections between worlds was v clear like damn the mcu could never (i love marvel dont get it twisted tho.)  i loved the themes of unity and everything but it needed more woman. i know this sounds arbitrary but...lmao so far, no male-centred dceu film has passed the bechtel test. wonder woman is the ONLY one. fucking ridiculous.  not even a two minutes conversation with lois empathizing with her pain like goddamn.

clarks alive, we been KNEW, obviously. the resurrection wasnt super confusing but kind of like a letdown. i would have preferred if it hadnt been the league to resurrect him, instead like some other sun power or maybe steppenwolfs scheme or something, it seemed a little wrong. im not even gonna talk about henrys mustache until later when i unload the shit in whedon sO - i personally like his new suit!! he wasnt in the film too much tbh, honestly wb either owes me a full directors cut of him explaining his thought process about returning to earth and his character development theron, OR man of steel 2. like cmon man. boy came back from the dead wtf is going on there. much more of a classic superman then in bvs which i liked, but it seemed kind of rushed & i miss snyders depth.

now onto the main event: (jkjk but rly) LOIS JOANNE LANE !  first off i really loved her wardrobe, the contrasing blues and navies with her red hair like...i see u supes coloring scheme, i see what u did there. i love her bond with martha. i love amys face. but u know what i didnt love that ill 10000% elaborate more on and put into a seperate post for my jl verse? pretty much everything else. yes, a woman’s grief should be validated and never underestimated or mocked, yes, a woman’s grief does not make her any bit less strong. but lois, my lois at least, i strongly believe, would not have stuck to fluff pieces. she is VERY all or nothing when it comes to this, its either the truth, or nothing at all. in the event of supermans death OR disappearance, she would have grieved, she would have been heartbroken - but she would have persevered, evidenced in the comics heavily. more on this later.

i am VERY pissed about amy’s cut/reshot scenes. all the heartfelt clips shown during test screenings, all of zacks intentions, all of the original screenplay - lmao, cut.  does lois ever talk to martha about anything other then clark? groceries? investigations? anything else to build a solid mother-daughter relationship? ok. the nightmare scene where she remembers clark? gone. the in depth conversations with martha in the farmhouse? zilch. the independent investigations of s.t.a.r labs unveiling steppenwolf/ the mother boxes that shows her manifesto in full force? nowhere. the goddamn proper clois reunion from the trailer where the ring was MENTIONED/CONFIRMED like every other logical person expected, the heartfelt reunion about truth and justice and love? fucking no w here.

lois lane deserves a stand alone. or at least a short, or a tv show. im fucking serious. all that lois/diana setup from bvs and they dont even t a lk. cmon. lois is a sidenote in the story !! im so MAD. like yes, forever grateful for ‘big guns’ and ‘backup plan’ but whedon fuckin twisted it all man.....what happened to her being the key? how the fuck did flash know about this? did they cut something else? i MEAN she has virtually NO onscreen contact with bruce, who should be regularly checking up on her bc shes the key & all, or from diana, who sympathizes with her pain via bvs/ww cinematographic parallels that were obviously intentional. no league interactions at all. im unimpressed.

and finally, FINALLY, the real bone i have to pick with this movie. joss whedon. gross ass bitch doesnt even cut it so im gonna try to keep this as short as possible. he reshot ALL of supermans scenes against snyders will, reducing the role of him and lois, disregarding the talent of amy adams and reducing her whole ‘arc’ to be about clark, the flash/diana boob faceplant, the horrible cinematography, bruces’ steve trevor references, its all fucking whedon. i could go on, but i dont wanna combust into flames. so. lets just say hes a piece of middle-aged bald white man mediocrity with a brain the size of a a literal bat shit. fuck him. 

but OVERALL, i would give this film around a 60-65/100, which is being generous. they could have done!! so GOOD!! but no they picked a trash bag to direct the film reshoots? sad.

[awed-frog]

The Lying Detective/Scheria

We focus on Sherlock, of course we do, because he’s the hero and because he’s interesting and unpredictable and always this close to falling apart in some way that, we know, will be catastrophic for everyone. So we look at him hallucinating a childhood long past and we marvel at him being all soft with this woman he doesn’t remember and we listen to him shouting Shakespearean verses with a gun in his hand and we look, most of all, at how the world literally revolves around him, turning and spinning on its axis until Sherlock decides he’s human, after all, and finally goes to sleep like the curly-haired, tantrum-prone toddler he is.

But the story, we know, is really about John, because this is normally his story: he’s the narrator, and he’s the one who helps us to make sense of this world of mirrors and weird crimes we’ve stepped into. And we know precisely how much we owe him, because without him, nothing makes any sense (look at TAB) - which is why the tragedy of Mary’s death is tragic not only for the very real, tangible loss John experienced, but for this other thing he lost: his wish to tell stories (his wish, in the end, to be himself).

I called this meta Scheria because John is not the first character to face this particular challenge. When Odysseus comes to Nausicaa’s island, Scheria, he’s been through ten years of war and ten years of weirdness, cannibalism and mindfucking. Nausicaa finds him alone and naked, because that’s who our character is, at that point: not a warrior, not a king, not a pirate; not the commander of a ship, and not even someone who has a wife and a father and a son and friends in distant lands. No, after so many years of blood and loss, Odysseus has finally become the fabric of his own lies: he is No One. If he’d been shipwrecked on Ithaca instead of Scheria, he certainly wouldn’t have had the strength to reclaim his throne, or the confidence to attempt it. But, luckily for him, Scheria is not an island of monsters. Nausicaa may be a ‘burner of ships’, as her name implies, but the world she welcomes Odysseus into will put him back together, because in Scheria, thousands of years before Freud sat down and decided talking out loud was a kind of therapy, Odysseus is invited to tell his story, and it is because he tells his story that this nameless castaway becomes himself again. As he talks - and he talks a lot, by the way: his tale is a long as a professional poet’s, and full of monsters and beauty and sex - Odysseus seems to become the person he was when he first left for Troy. A strong, dangerously smart king who’s not afraid to fight for what’s his and loves his wife more than anything.

(I’ll stop here because it seems decent, but I literally wrote papers about this stuff and I could talk all day about The Odyssey, so if you’re interested send me an ask.)

Now, John is going through a similar thing at the beginning of TLD: he’s shipwrecked and alone, completely separated from the people who used to give meaning to his life and define his place in the world. His wife is dead, he can’t be a father to Rosie, he has no friends he can be open with (nobody, after all, seems to even know he’s seeing a therapist) and, most of all, he’s completely cut Sherlock out of his life. 

But if this is the episode John is completely broken, it’s also the episode he fights to get back to his own Ithaca.

Personally, I saw the beginning of his journey back home in his endearing mix-up of the words ‘acceptable’ and ‘understandable’ in the very first minutes of the episode. We often forget about it, but this very factual and no-nonsense army doctor is, first and foremost, a writer. He doesn’t chronicle Sherlock’s cases: he writes fiction about it, so much so we know sometimes Sherlock grumbles about the changes and deviations form reality. And when you write fiction, well - you can’t write what you don’t understand, so everything becomes understandable - from death to grief to acts of extreme cruelty. When you write, you step inside the head of your characters, which is why, perhaps, John simply gets Sherlock in a way no one else really does: not only because he loves Sherlock, but because he actively becomes Sherlock as he fleshes out character!Sherlock on the pages of his blog. But when John’s caught in the worst tragedy of his life, suddenly he doesn’t want to be a writer any longer (he can’t). We know he neglects his blog, rejects, perhaps, both his relationship with Sherlock and this aspect of himself - his writer self, the man who could justify and explain away everything that ever happens - put it into prose and be done with it.

(I know that’s certainly how I feel when I grieve for someone I’ve lost.)

So, to me, his outburst to his therapist really spoke volumes about his mental and emotional health.

“Why does everything have to be understandable? Why can't some things be unacceptable and we just say that?”

Because, John, that’s not how fiction works. 

In fiction, everything must be understandable - to the writer, if not the readers. And the fact John doesn’t seem to get it - that he doesn’t get the difference between two very different words of the English language, despite being highly educated and a writer - really shows how profound his dissociation is right now - an issue that is made apparent by having Mary at his side, of course, but also manifests itself in more subtle ways. John was not simply a husband, and Sherlock’s best friend. Writing is an important part of who he is, and it is also, I think, something Sherlock is trying to give back to him by begging John to accompany him on his Smith case.

(“I would be lost without my blogger.”)

And Sherlock, as usual, was right, because it’s precisely when his role as a writer is openly challenged that John starts to fight back. Of course, John starts his path back to himself when he has to admit he still cares about Sherlock - when he leaves Sherlock out of the boot of the car and into the sacred place of a therapy session - but until they arrive at the hospital and Nurse Cornish questions his role at Sherlock’s side (“Are you involved much? I love his blog, don’t you?”), John was listless at best - a sort of Okay, so Sherlock’s dying too - great news, because what can I do about it I am a mess everything I touch dies and someone make it STOP - but after that, he starts to realize his old self was worthwile, and he starts to actively reclaim it. Look at him in that room full of children: before Smith took over and made it creepy, that scene was about John rediscovering himself. Faced with people who neither really know who he is, or even care about him and his role at Sherlock’s side, John suddenly fights back by doing what he does best: turning Sherlock’s fast-as-lightning thought process and disconnected sentences into stories people can enjoy. Stories that make Sherlock get more cases, sure, but, mostly, stories that help people smile and cry and yell out loud; stories that make sense of the disorderly and chaotic and brutal world we all live in.

Sherlock catches that, of course, and understands how important it is: his only real smile this episode blossomed right there - when I’m no good to anyone, leave me the hell alone John Watson stands up a bit straighter and looks a killer in the eye and tells him, “No one’s untouchable”. This is John caring again - this is John forgetting, if only for a split second, about the current black mess his life has turned into and being himself instead; accepting that the person he is still has value, despite his wife’s death.

(God, I wish I could gif - look at this beauty - at Smith completely lost in his own narcissistic trip - at how angry John is, how he just blurts out the words without even thinking - at how Sherlock snaps out of whatever thought he was chasing and looks up at him and smiles - someone kill me right now.)

So, well, I’m not worried. Whatever happens next, John will be okay.

[As ever - thank you for reading. The second part of this meta, the Johnlock part, will be up tomorrow.]